On coming out day, Pup Bailey shares tips for coming out as a kinky queer individual.
Some choose to openly wear their kink identity on their sleeve (or a hanky in their back pocket) while others choose to reserve that for a selected few. At certain points on our kink journey, we may want others to see us for how we see ourselves, we may want to give them a peek into our alternative lifestyle and kinky world.
Sharing who we are and the pride we feel inside is an admirable task but one that takes courage and bravery. Being open and authentic can be a risky business. The disclosure of kink influences and impacts our personal, intimate, private and public lives. Coming out, often for a second time, must be done properly. Here are some tips and words of advice to ensure it goes well.
Soft Exposure
Find soft ways or coincidental methods to introduce your fetish. For example, taking the puppy fetish. Approach the conversation with an anecdote. “I was passing through *insert name of LGBT+ district* (or at a pride march) and I saw some human puppies; they’re pretty cute don’t you think?”. Maybe at this point you show a picture of one if they are confused on what you are referring to. This is a good way to test the waters, you are not disclosing that you are a puppy or that it's you in the picture. It gives them an opportunity to voice their view on it without them feeling like they are attacking you. Also, if you do later come out as a puppy, it will be less of a shock, they will have at least an awareness they exist before you tell them. It also may inform you of which specific misconceptions they hold so you know where to start when you open the pandora’s box of disclosure later.
At certain points on our kink journey, we may want others to see us for how we see ourselves.
Manage expectations
It's important to manage your expectations when you tell people who you are and what you get up to after dark. People may not react as you would expect, they may be shocked, disgusted or hurt. Or maybe not. They might react with ridicule, curiosity, or plain confusion. Or not at all. There are not many ways to know how someone will react. Soft exposure can judge how they could feel or their pre-existing knowledge about a particular fetish or practice.
It’s equally important to accept that some people will not understand the motivation or desire of kink, may never will and that is completely legitimate and valid. This is particularly true of a much older generation. Don't overly impose your lifestyle on your close ones if it’s clearly not welcomed. Give it time and they may become open to you once they realise it doesn't change who you are fundamentally as human, or as their sibling or their (grand-)child and so on.
It's important to manage your expectations when you tell people who you are and what you get up to after dark.
Be ready to explain
If you do disclose your kink or fetish, be ready to explain what it is, what it isn't and everything in-between. Prepare yourself for a lot of questions. Some may be fuelled by concern more than anything else, especially if elements of BDSM are being explained. It is wise to find resources that you can give to them. This way they can look at it in their own time and not have a information overload.
There is no undo button
Unfortunately, no magic device can wipe memories. When you disclose something, it cannot be undone, that information cannot be unknown or that photo unseen. It's better to reveal too little than too much. Don’t be rushed, there is a time and a place for certain discussions. When in doubt, hold back.
Emphasize the social and communal elements of kink
Often people will assume that you are alone in your weird sexual desires, but we know that many fetish and kink practices are not wholly just sexual and there is indeed a community alongside it. It is important to highlight while sex may be involved (or not), that the reason that you want to disclose your kink due to its social elements and that the sexual elements only concern you and your consenting partners.
Lastly, an emphasis that you are one of many, that you are not a freak of nature and that others just like you can and do lead happy lives; openly and safely. Showing your self-pride, sense of self, and place in a community will go a long way in providing needed context to your kink.
Good luck and remember, out or not, you have so many reasons to be loved, celebrated and most of all: kinky and proud of it!
Disclaimer: All views and opinions expressed are the author's own, and do not reflect the views and opinions of Switched™. The author's views and opinions are based upon information they consider reliable, but neither Switched™ nor its affiliates warrant its completeness or accuracy, and it should not be relied upon as such. Also, the opinions expressed by the author may be short term in nature and are subject to change without notice.
2024